When the doctor told me that my baby didn’t make it, I was paralyzed with grief. Strangely though, on the outside, I was cool and collected. I guess it was because I felt like I had to be. While everyone and everything around me fell apart, I became an undeniable pillar of strength. Family members wept openly in my arms, friends shared heartfelt condolences and strangers expressed their true disbelief and genuine despair.
When the newness of my tragedy dissipated, though, my sadness erupted like a volcano. My heartbreak knew no bounds and like uncontrollable lava seeped into every single fiber of my being. I was completely and utterly inconsolable. In my private moments, I wept like a crazy person. I fell to my knees and released the most guttural, primal sounds that scared even me.
There was no stopping it: my grief had its own plan and I had no choice but to succumb to it. I became a person I didn’t know. I slept too much, drank too much, ate too much, exercised too much and shopped too much. I hated myself in the process. Looking back at it now, I realize that I was just trying to fill the hole in my heart. It didn’t matter what I did, though, the wound was so big and so deep, it was UNFILLABLE.
A few months later, as I struggled to continue on with my normal life, I had this unbelievable moment of clarity when I was driving to work. It was so profound, it shook me to my core. Hyperventilating, I pulled my car over on Collins Avenue and staggered a short distance to the beach. I realized that it didn’t matter what I did or how much of it I did, the emptiness inside of me would never, ever go away.
It was something that I was going to have to learn to live with, to deal with, to accept and at that moment, for whatever reason, I stopped. I stopped all of the destructive behavior and I made amends with myself. I had blamed myself all along. I thought because of my shortcomings, my imperfections and my faults, my baby had been taken from me. I stared at the ocean, breathed in the fresh air and finally forgave myself. I left the beach that day and immediately got help.
Because of certain circumstances, I hadn’t properly grieved the loss of my baby. My therapist and I talked extensively about me getting a tattoo to help in my healing process. It was a crystal clear, sunny day when my co-worker and friend, Lynn Martinez, met me in the parking lot of a local tattoo shop. Lynn held my hand – well, more like held me down – as my daughter’s name, Sydney, was tattooed underneath my left forearm. The tattoo artist added a delicate halo just above her name. It was official: Sydney was my angel.
The act of getting the tattoo was a way to release the residual pain of my loss and the tattoo itself would serve as a reminder that despite everything that had happened, Sydney would always be my daughter and I would always be her mother. That was five years ago. Now, every year around my birthday, I get a well thought-out, meaningful tattoo. At first it was to express my grief, but now, it’s a way to express my growth.
Choosing body art is something I take very seriously. For me, each design has to have special meaning, because it’s a way for me to reaffirm my commitment to surviving the unsurvivable. It’s also a way for me to express myself without using words. When searching for inspiration for my latest tattoo, I came across the beautiful designs of Henna Ali on Instagram. Yes, her real name is Henna, “just like the plant,” she chirped the first time I met her.
Although I knew what henna was, I didn’t know a lot about it. I had noticed, as of late, it was slowly becoming a part of mainstream fashion, much like tattoos. When I did a little research, I found out that it was a beautiful tradition rich with history. Not only is it over five thousand years old, its origins can be traced back to India, Pakistan, Africa and the Middle East.
What’s more, during ancient Egyptian times, mummies were adorned with henna and it’s even documented that Cleopatra, herself, used it for decorative purposes. Before it was fashionable, though, henna was used centuries ago by people in desert climates to cool the body because of its soothing properties. It was used mainly on the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands.
The temporary stain that henna would leave behind eventually sparked the use of the material in a decorative way. It became a popular form of self expression, used to celebrate special occasions like holidays, weddings, birthdays pregnancy, blessings, reminders and inspirations.
Perhaps, that’s what attracted me to it. A tattoo with meaning and purpose is something I had been doing for a handful of years. I contacted Henna immediately and asked if she would be interested in collaborating together on a blog. Before we styled our shoot clothing-wise, Henna sketched the patterns she would create on my arms. She was very clear and concise about what she wanted and her designs were very intricate and alluring.
I knew that Henna was young, but when I met her, I was surprised at just how young she really was. It didn’t matter, though; she had kind brown eyes and held herself with a maturity beyond her years. Before we started taking pictures, we sat down in the middle of my chaotic make-shift photo studio, where she easily freehanded her designs on my left arm. Then she decided to decorate my right arm using flash tattoos (another form of temporary body art.)
Henna wanted to merge the styles of the past and present to create something interesting, provocative and unusual. In no time at all, both my arms were beautifully adorned with her visionary creations. Kore Boutique stylist, Alexis Enter, chose an Aztec patterned, mesh dress and added Egyptian-inspired jewelry to complete the look (pictured in the blog.) Ahhhh, but there was one more thing: Henna brought a bindi to adorn my forehead.
The bindi is said to be the sixth chakra, the seat of concealed wisdom. It represents energy, strength and the third eye, which is said to provide perception beyond ordinary sight. After what I had been through, I felt stronger, wiser and most importantly, my third eye had opened, at least in regards to how I viewed my life. I became more compassionate, empathetic and was able to see beyond my own grief and despair.
After our shoot, I was not only inspired by the collaboration fashion-wise, it also gave me endless ideas for what my new permanent body art would be and it afforded me the opportunity to get to know Henna, the artist, a little better. For whatever reason, I don’t believe it to be a coincidence…
Shireen Sandoval: What is henna?
Henna Ali: Henna is made out of the crushed leaves and twigs of the henna plant. It’s mixed with lemon and essential oils.
SS: What inspired you to become a henna artist?
HA: My mother, actually. She used to apply henna for my sister and I with a toothpick, and she made it look so simple. When she was finished, we would have these beautiful designs on our palms. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try it myself.
SS: When did you start creating henna designs?
HA: I was about 10 years old when I found a henna cone laying around the house and I just started drawing flowers like I saw my mom doing. I’ve always been very drawn to sketching and painting, so henna was really just another artistic outlet.
SS: Have you ever been to India?
HA: I’ve been once (in 2001) where my mother’s family lives. I’ve also been to Pakistan, where my father is from and my henna stylings comes from both places.
SS: How long does it take you to create a design and how long does it last?
HA: Depending on the design, it can take anywhere from 5-to-20 minutes. A bridal design, however, can take up to 45 minutes per arm. Henna can last 1 to 2 weeks, depending on how much it’s exposed to water, since that’s what helps fade henna.
SS: Is it used for anything else other than skin art?
HA: Aside from body art, henna is also used for hair conditioning and hair dye.
SS: When styling the blog, what type of look did you want to create?
HA: When creating my idea for your henna, I really wanted something daring. Usually in India when there are events like weddings and holidays, women and children get henna as if they’ve never had it before; with a lot of detail and extravagance. That’s what I was going for with you. I also wanted it to be edgy, so it would be wearable for Fall fashion.
SS: Fashion has totally embraced henna as an accessory. Why?
HA: Henna was originally used as a way to adorn women with “jewelry” and I think that’s what a lot of women are doing today with it. I love making bracelet inspired henna tattoos and even body chains. The best part: you can always make a new one because it’s temporary.
SS: If you could henna someone famous who would it be and why?
HA: It would have to be Dwayne Johnson. You must be curious as to a boy. Well, yeah, guys can get henna, too. I would love to make a large Aztec tattoo on his back. I think he would showcase it pretty well.
SS: Describe the art of henna in two words?
HA: Cultural – Expression.
SS: Why do you think henna has gone mainstream?
HA: Because now people are finding a way to get the tattoo they’ve always wanted without having to commit to something permanent.
SS: You also used flash tattoos when styling the blog. Why?
HA: Flash tatts started becoming a great accessory this past summer and I felt adding it to the look complimented and reminded me of henna.
SS: If you had to create a henna design to represent/express yourself as a henna artist, what elements would the design have?
HA: My henna would include a lotus. I’ve bloomed a lot as a henna artist and I just hope to get better at what I love doing.
SS: Henna isn’t permanent, but if you were told you had to have one permanent mark on your body, forever, what would it be and why?
HA: I got this idea from someone (you) to get a small mandala (a figure that represents the universe of Hindu and Buddhist) on my wrist so that I could always do a different henna around it. Since I’m an artist, I think it’d be better for me because I like seeing different ideas all the time.
I feel honored that I inspired Henna and that she in turn inspired me. My new permanent tattoo is an intricate hamsa with a third eye. I chose it because of its beauty, henna-like design quality and for what it stands for: protection, health, good fortune, luck and happiness. All the things I finally know I deserve.
In some strange way, the art of henna is a metaphor of sorts for what I went through when I lost Sydney. At first it was strong, powerful and intense, but with time, it slowly faded into something more beautiful. Although Sydney’s gone, she’ll never be forgotten because she lives on in me…and that’s why “The Henna Touch” will always be one of my favorite things.
Henna art styled by: Henna Ali
www.thehennatouch.net
Twitter @Thehennatouch
IG @Thehennatouch
Facebook: The Henna Touch
Wardrobe styled by: Alexis Entner of Kore Boutique
Twitter: @uhhhlexisnicole @Kore_Boutique
IG: @uhhhlexisnicole @KoreBoutique
www.KoreBoutique.com
Twitter @ShireenSandoval
IG @ShireenSandoval
ssandoval@wsvn.com
www.shireensandoval.com
photography by tod p/t4twophotography
Twitter @todp_photo
IG @Tod_p
info@t4twophotography.com
Hair by Odette Hernandez
Make-up by Javier Lucero
Editor: Matthew Auerbach
MattAuerbach@yahoo.com