We’ve all had crazy travel stories, but partying with the Russian Mafia is probably not one of them — unless you’re comedian Bert Kreischer. He’s turned his viral standup about the incident into a whole movie. Hold on to your vodka, because this is a wild ride.
Standup comedian Bert Kreischer…
Bert Kreischer (as himself): “When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia.”
…must have nine lives.
Character in “The Machine”: “You stole the only thing my father ever cared about.”
Jimmy Tatro (as Young Bert): “Sorry.”
Because even if just a fraction of what happens in “The Machine” were true, and a chunk of it actually is…
Bert Kreischer: “It mirrored a lot of the stuff I was going through in my life, too: the issues with my daughter, how I deal with my dad, my dad’s acceptance of me. I mean, it was really close.”
Then he’s one lucky, or unlucky, cat.
Mark Hamill: “I call this man the potty mouth party animal, but that doesn’t describe me at all, and yet, in the trailer I went, ‘Ooh! Do I say ‘m.f.’ in this movie?’ Oh, my gosh.”
In the semi-autobiographical action comedy, the past comes back to haunt Bert when a murderous mobster tries to kidnap him for his crimes while studying abroad in college.
Bert Kreischer: “It was literally the best summer of my life.”
Young Bert played by Jimmy Tatro.
Bert Kreischer: “The bar cart that Jimmy parties with the Mafia in was way bigger than the one that we were in, and I was like, ‘Well, it should be smaller,’ and [director] Peter [Atencio] was like, ‘Buddy, we’re making a movie. Let go.'”
And with help from his estranged Florida father, Albert, played by Mark Hamill…
Mark Hamill: “I could relate to Albert, just not being able to understand his son and why he does what he does.”
The American has to retrace his steps, as a sociopathic Russian crime family is going to war, and now father and son are at the center.
Mark Hamill: “Here I am, trying to ground my son and tether him closer to reality and make him more like me. What happens? I lose my mind and become more like him.”
This movie is like nothing you’ve ever seen.
Mark Hamill: “In terms of just insane situations escalating, maybe ‘The Hangover,’ but even then, that doesn’t do it justice.”
Alex Miranda: “I had the exact same reaction. When it was done, I was like, ‘What the [expletive] was that?!'”
[Bert laughs.]
Mark Hamill: “Then our work here is done.”
Oh, and that university was Florida State, so an uncle needs to ask…
Alex Miranda: “My two nephews are at FSU right now. Should I be concerned?”
Bert Kreischer: “They’ll be fine. Let them be kids, let them experiment. That advice comes from Snoop Dogg himself.”
And how does Mark like playing a “Florida man?”
Mark Hamill: “I like being from South Florida in the movie, but I am still jealous that Florida has somehow managed to steal the ‘America’s craziest state’ status away from California. How dare you!”
You can see “The Machine” in theaters now.
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